Thursday, October 2, 2014

Infertility~ Surgery, Endometriosis, and Bitterness

Today has been one of those days..... 
the kind of day that leaves me empty and discouraged and hopeless-
Today I have difficulty believing that I will ever be a mother.

A month ago, I underwent a hysteroscopic/laporoscopic surgery to diagnose and fix some of the issues we are facing in trying to conceive a child.
The surgery went well and the outcome was good, but it wasn't what I was hoping for. 
I hoped to hear that the issues had been resolved and we would soon be expecting our first child.
The problem we were hoping to fix was nonexistent,
but what they did find were endometrial adhesions,
windows in the lining of my uterus,
and a cyst on one of my ovaries.
They cleaned everything out, and made my uterus look absolutely lovely. :)
But still, I am discouraged.

Yesterday, my doctor smilingly instructed me to keep trying to conceive for the next six months.
Hopefully, in that time I will become pregnant and all will be right with the world.

But what if it doesn't happen?
My wounded heart is so afraid of being hopeful.
Dare I hope?
Dare I make myself vulnerable again?

Deferred hope makes the heart sick.
My heart is so sick.

I can relate to Jacob. 
Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to wrestle a blessing out of God. 
Only, unlike Jacob, I don't come away with a blessing, just a limp. 
{Genesis 32:22-32}

I am angry-
Clenched fists and hot tears angry.

When my prayers and pleadings continue unanswered,
I slip into believing that the Lord has forgotten me, that he is unjust.

Over the summer months, when my husband was deployed, the Lord showed me how angry and bitter I have been against him.

Although I will always know without a shadow of a doubt that God is good, in the secret corners of my heart I am overwhelmed with fear and doubt.
What if he isn't?
What if he never gives me what I have pleaded and wept for?

My heart fails me.
I am overcome with fear.
Does he really love me?
How can he be good when he withholds what is good and right from his children?

Like the disciples in the boat on a raging sea, 
my heart tossed two and fro and filled with fear, screams-

"Do you not care that I am perishing?!"

"Peace! Be still!"
He commands my stormy heart.
"Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?"

Because I, like the disciples, doubt that he really loves me, doubt that he even cares, doubt that he is really good.

But he does. And he is.

In her book Hannah's Hope, Jennifer Saak wrote:
"To look at my current circumstances and accuse God of making a mistake would be like trying to see the finished picture in a single piece of a complex puzzle. The blurs of color are senseless on their own, but when my piece is placed with all the rest, the entire beautiful masterpiece is pulled together. God sees the big picture from beginning to end. I can only see my little piece right now."

He never fails me.
He never abandons me.
In fact, Psalm 56:8 says,

"You have recorded my troubles.
You have kept a list of my tears.
Aren't they in your records?"

Once again my soul is at rest. My spirit is quiet. 
And I trust in his goodness and his love.
When will I stop fighting?
When will I stop doubting?

The Lord is good and just and righteous.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Master Bathroom Makeover

When we first moved into our home, 
we knew we would be doing some work on the master bathroom.

The walls were painted a strange pink-periwinkle color that neither of us liked.
There was exposed piping beside the toilet from a bidet that had previously occupied the space.

I had tried various things to cover up the piping, 
but we really just needed a complete bathroom makeover.  

Are you ready for some before and after photos?

Gotta love this tile back splash, right?

I began by removing and staining all the cabinets and the trim. 
Then, while those dried I painted the walls a creamy ivory.
It was a lot of work, but SO worth it.

As far as color scheme goes, I went completely neutral. 
I wanted to give us some wiggle room in the future 
when we replace the toilet, sink and counter top.

Adding handles to the cupboards made a huge difference.
Hobby Lobby has so much to choose from, it took me a few weeks before I could even decide.

I was really nervous about painting the tile around the sink area, 
but I am in love with the way it turned out.
I couldn't be more pleased.

Since everything was so neutral, 
I built a little planter to fit in the windowsill for a pop of color.

A basket of good reading beside the toilet. :)

I am a candle fanatic.  
I know my mother is laughing as she reads this.
When I was a teenager, 
my bedroom looked like a shrine there were so many candles everywhere. :)
So I had to include just a cluster of candles in our bathroom.

So there you have it. 

I will write another post in the near future with details about how I built the table next to the toilet, and how I painted the counter top.

I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Friday, May 23, 2014

DIY Wooden Welcome Sign

I have been hoping for a while now that I would find something really cute and inexpensive to replace the battered wreath that has been hanging on our front door for far too long.
Yesterday as I was rummaging through my crafting closet I found this stencil and was instantly inspired.  In the garage, I found a scrap piece of 1x6 that was exactly what I wanted.
I cut the board to be just a little longer than the stencil and painted it white.

 After the paint had dried I taped the stencil down and very carefully painted over it.

 I measured, marked, and drilled two holes in each end of the board 
and then strung twine through them, 
making sure that the twine was the right length so that it would hang at eye level.

I am so pleased with end result!

This project only took me about thirty minutes and cost me nothing.
I used scrap wood, paint and twine from previous projects.

May your day be blessed!

Goodwill Treasure Revamp

When our tiny Goodwill opened Saturday morning, I was waiting in the parking lot. 
I was in the mood to do some hunting to find a few treasures.
I was looking specifically for an end table to go in our living room.
I found this black one, it was just was I was hoping to find. 
It was sold as a set with the black card table you can see in the picture below. 
I didn't really need the extra table, but I thought I could find somewhere to stick it. 
The set was priced at $25.00. Such a steal!
Of course I couldn't pass up the deal, so I bought them both, along with this Americana looking basket and little magazine holder.
My total was $30.00!

And I painted all three of them white.
I really couldn't help myself!!!!

My wonderful husband is sometimes worried that he will come home to a house in which every piece of furniture is painted varying shades of white, and at this rate, it might be a realistic fear.

I am very pleased with the way they turned out.  
That card table turned out to be just what I needed.

 I am so happy, here in my white painted world. :D

I hope you have a wonderful day!

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Ana White Step Stool

Cooking dinner was sometimes like a workout for me, 
depending on how many times I had to hop up on the counter top in order to reach something. :)
So before he left on this deployment, we built this step stool together.

I scoured Pinterest to find the perfect stool and fell in love with these plans from Ana White.

For the most part we followed her instructions, though we did use a 2x6 for the top step and a 2x4 for the front support beneath the bottom step, this was just to make it extra sturdy.
We weren't using pocket screws like Ana did, so when it came time to assemble everything, we just went with what worked for us.

Scott did such a good job building this little step stool.
It is perfectly level and doesn't totter a bit.
And we had so much fun working on it together.

I ended up painting it white because... well, I paint everything white. :)

I am in love with this stool.  It makes my life so much easier, and it is SO cute!
I love that it is light enough to move around the kitchen easily, 
but heavy enough to be really sturdy.

I'm contemplating painting a fun stencil over the white, 
or maybe just painting our name across the top step.
What do you think?

I hope y'all have a lovely day!
Blessings, Anna


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