Infertility~ Surgery, Endometriosis, and Bitterness | Anna Grace: Infertility~ Surgery, Endometriosis, and Bitterness

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Infertility~ Surgery, Endometriosis, and Bitterness

Today has been one of those days..... 
the kind of day that leaves me empty and discouraged and hopeless-
Today I have difficulty believing that I will ever be a mother.

A month ago, I underwent a hysteroscopic/laporoscopic surgery to diagnose and fix some of the issues we are facing in trying to conceive a child.
The surgery went well and the outcome was good, but it wasn't what I was hoping for. 
I hoped to hear that the issues had been resolved and we would soon be expecting our first child.
The problem we were hoping to fix was nonexistent,
but what they did find were endometrial adhesions,
windows in the lining of my uterus,
and a cyst on one of my ovaries.
They cleaned everything out, and made my uterus look absolutely lovely. :)
But still, I am discouraged.

Yesterday, my doctor smilingly instructed me to keep trying to conceive for the next six months.
Hopefully, in that time I will become pregnant and all will be right with the world.

But what if it doesn't happen?
My wounded heart is so afraid of being hopeful.
Dare I hope?
Dare I make myself vulnerable again?

Deferred hope makes the heart sick.
My heart is so sick.

I can relate to Jacob. 
Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to wrestle a blessing out of God. 
Only, unlike Jacob, I don't come away with a blessing, just a limp. 
{Genesis 32:22-32}

I am angry-
Clenched fists and hot tears angry.

When my prayers and pleadings continue unanswered,
I slip into believing that the Lord has forgotten me, that he is unjust.

Over the summer months, when my husband was deployed, the Lord showed me how angry and bitter I have been against him.

Although I will always know without a shadow of a doubt that God is good, in the secret corners of my heart I am overwhelmed with fear and doubt.
What if he isn't?
What if he never gives me what I have pleaded and wept for?

My heart fails me.
I am overcome with fear.
Does he really love me?
How can he be good when he withholds what is good and right from his children?


Like the disciples in the boat on a raging sea, 
my heart tossed two and fro and filled with fear, screams-

"Do you not care that I am perishing?!"

"Peace! Be still!"
He commands my stormy heart.
"Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?"

Because I, like the disciples, doubt that he really loves me, doubt that he even cares, doubt that he is really good.

But he does. And he is.

In her book Hannah's Hope, Jennifer Saak wrote:
"To look at my current circumstances and accuse God of making a mistake would be like trying to see the finished picture in a single piece of a complex puzzle. The blurs of color are senseless on their own, but when my piece is placed with all the rest, the entire beautiful masterpiece is pulled together. God sees the big picture from beginning to end. I can only see my little piece right now."


He never fails me.
He never abandons me.
In fact, Psalm 56:8 says,

"You have recorded my troubles.
You have kept a list of my tears.
Aren't they in your records?"

Once again my soul is at rest. My spirit is quiet. 
And I trust in his goodness and his love.
When will I stop fighting?
When will I stop doubting?

The Lord is good and just and righteous.
Amen





11 comments:

  1. Earlier this year, a friend linked to a Day of Discovery video called "The Time to Live Is Now." It's on YouTube. I was so impacted by this story and the brother's discussion with Jesus about this hard thing they were going through. He said that God told him that if instead of asking 'why?', if he asked "show me who you are in this" HE would always answer him. It is still having rippling effects in our small church family, as one of the families had a son die in an accidental drowning. The mother said that God reminded her of that within the hour after it happened. "Don't ask me why, ask me to show you who I am in it."

    I thought it might be a blessing to you Anna. Thank you for your candid and open sharing. My daughter has been married for 7 months and they too are doing nothing to prevent pregnancy. She is not pregnant yet. God holds all these things in His hands.

    Blessings
    Deanna

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  2. Hi, Anna! I've been following your blog for several years now,but I don't think I've ever commented. You sharing your struggle with infertility has been a blessing in my life as my husband and I have been married almost a year and haven't been able to get pregnant. A midwife shared some knowledge with me and gave me a book to read- it's called "Taking Charge of Your Fertility". Have you heard about it? It was a wonderful book to read and I recommend it to everyone trying to conceive. I just found out 3 days ago that I am expecting and I give credit foremost to our Lord and Savior and secondly to this book and all I learned from it.
    Prayers and Blessings,
    H.P.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dear sweet Anna, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I know that sometimes there are no words to say or write that will bring comfort, hope, help or peace. I can only tell you through my own experiences and in my walk with our Savior that he is everything that you need at all times.Hold fast my sweet sister to your Lords hand. He is walking with you along this journey. He will see you through this. There is joy to come! There is peace to come! There is always hope in Christ! This is the Savior that you trusted with your very salvation.Please trust him in this too. I know it is so hard sometimes. I will continue to hold you and your husband up in prayer. Hold onto each other as well.Be still and KNOW that he is GOD! Your sister in Christ, Janet L.

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  4. Dear Anna,

    "I understand". I opened my last comment in April with that small sentence and I will say it again, "I understand". Infertility and the treatments our bodies endure often are overwhelming. The anger, doubt and resistance to hope are a natural response to such heartache. Having walked the road your own I will not offer simple cliches or proof text His word. Those type of words are rarely a salve to the broken heart but I will tell you that I pray for you and that you are right, "The Lord is good and just and righteous". God bless.

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  5. Anna,

    I've read your blog for years now, but the only other post I've ever commented on was your wedding post.

    I'm so sorry for your struggles and really hope that you have a baby soon.

    I'm quite a big older than you (26!) and single, but even so you have always been an inspiration to me.

    I hope your wish for children comes true very soon.

    God bless

    Amy.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh Anna. I have been in your position. It is a time of refinement for sure. Doctors cannot ever guarantee that you will conceive easily. No human can ever do that. As hard as it is, the most helpful thing I was ever told was : give your " trying " over to Jesus. Give Him your pain, anger and discontent. He is waiting for it like you are waiting for a baby. Go be a light in this world. Show others the love of our redeemer. Enjoy your marriage. It's all in His time, and His ways are perfect. I have 2 children now, and they were long waited for. But my life didn't stop while I was waiting. I learned first to live for Jesus, so then I could live for my babies.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hi Anna,
    I've been following your blog for years. I'm a couple years younger than you, and you've been an utter inspiration to me in how I ought to approach my faith, my purity, and my life. I've never commented before (I don't think) but I just wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you, not only that God grant you the children you yearn for, but that you are able to be in complete peace and happiness even if His will for you is that you remain childless. And also, thank you for writing your blog. For an impressionable young teenage girl, there are many negative influences on the internet. I thank God that your blog was something I stumbled across. God's blessings be upon you and your family, and may he make His face to shine down upon you, and give you peace. ~Kellyanne, a 17 year old from Wisconsin

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  8. I am praying for you dear Anna. Weeping may tarry for the night but joy comes in the morning.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Anna
    I am also dealing with infertility (I have had PCOS for 9 years). My husband and I have been married for 4 years. I also follow this blog http://www.addingaburden.com/ It is so very painful to think that I could never bear my own children, but I have faith in the Lord. There is more than one way to become a mother, and I am praying for a child, either biologically my own, or not. Praying for you in this hard time!

    ReplyDelete
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