Facing Infertility {The Deeper Struggle}

Recently, through many tearful prayers, the Lord has supplied me with grace to understand the bigger underlying source of my grief as I wait for Him to answer this prayer.
What is it that makes this waiting so painful?
I had to spend time examining the very deepest stirrings of my heart to find the answer.

As a little girl I was always playing baby dolls, dress up, doll house, and other make believe domestic games.

When my cousins were in town for a visit we loved to play "house" together, and I was always the Mama.  As the oldest girl in a family of nine children, I was proud to be like a second mother to my littlest siblings.

 As a teenager I worked for several years as a nanny for a local family caring for their three children, I will never forget the way my heart throbbed and soared one day when I tucked their smallest child into his bed and heard him whisper "Goodnight Mommy" to me. 

All my life I have dreamed of  becoming a mother.

This was my greatest aspiration in life. This was the goal I have always been fixed upon.

My heart sometimes seems sick with longing for this fulfillment.
When hope is deferred and I'm heartsick once again,
 there is one question my soul is forever asking.

"Can I still love the Lord if He never gives me children?"


I began asking this question several months ago when I read THIS article on waiting.

The author said:

"One question God has hammered into my soul this year is this: Is Christ enough? Specifically, if God doesn't do _________, can I still be satisfied in Christ? Honestly, the answer doesn't come easily, and it reaches to the very core of what we believe.

I’ve realized through waiting and suffering that God, like an all-wise, all-loving Father, will often withhold things, even good things, when they become God-things. When the focus of our worship shifts from the Giver to the gifts, from the Healer to the healing, God will realign our focus to save our souls and preserve His glory.

This question must be asked in the midst of suffering, not after the fact: Today, when you don’t have the very thing you’ve prayed, longed, yearned for isn’t here, can you find joy in Christ? Is the Gospel sufficient? The answer to this question reveals the object of your worship."

These words resonated with my heart.
The desire for a baby becomes a sinful thing when my love for God is dependent on whether or not He provides me with the child I long for.

Yes, my heart yearns for a baby.
The Lord knows. He ignited this desire in my heart.
It's in my makeup.
Right now He's saying wait, and I know that He is sanctifying me.

"Paul challenges the Church with an eternal perspective that bleeds from the very core of the Gospel: “So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal” (2 Corinthians 2:16-18)."

The Lord is good. He is faithful.
If you too are waiting on the Lord, be of good faith.

May the Lord bless you today.