Facing Infertility {The Deeper Struggle}

Recently, through many tearful prayers, the Lord has supplied me with grace to understand the bigger underlying source of my grief as I wait for Him to answer this prayer.
What is it that makes this waiting so painful?
I had to spend time examining the very deepest stirrings of my heart to find the answer.

As a little girl I was always playing baby dolls, dress up, doll house, and other make believe domestic games.

When my cousins were in town for a visit we loved to play "house" together, and I was always the Mama.  As the oldest girl in a family of nine children, I was proud to be like a second mother to my littlest siblings.

 As a teenager I worked for several years as a nanny for a local family caring for their three children, I will never forget the way my heart throbbed and soared one day when I tucked their smallest child into his bed and heard him whisper "Goodnight Mommy" to me. 

All my life I have dreamed of  becoming a mother.

This was my greatest aspiration in life. This was the goal I have always been fixed upon.

My heart sometimes seems sick with longing for this fulfillment.
When hope is deferred and I'm heartsick once again,
 there is one question my soul is forever asking.

"Can I still love the Lord if He never gives me children?"


I began asking this question several months ago when I read THIS article on waiting.

The author said:

"One question God has hammered into my soul this year is this: Is Christ enough? Specifically, if God doesn't do _________, can I still be satisfied in Christ? Honestly, the answer doesn't come easily, and it reaches to the very core of what we believe.

I’ve realized through waiting and suffering that God, like an all-wise, all-loving Father, will often withhold things, even good things, when they become God-things. When the focus of our worship shifts from the Giver to the gifts, from the Healer to the healing, God will realign our focus to save our souls and preserve His glory.

This question must be asked in the midst of suffering, not after the fact: Today, when you don’t have the very thing you’ve prayed, longed, yearned for isn’t here, can you find joy in Christ? Is the Gospel sufficient? The answer to this question reveals the object of your worship."

These words resonated with my heart.
The desire for a baby becomes a sinful thing when my love for God is dependent on whether or not He provides me with the child I long for.

Yes, my heart yearns for a baby.
The Lord knows. He ignited this desire in my heart.
It's in my makeup.
Right now He's saying wait, and I know that He is sanctifying me.

"Paul challenges the Church with an eternal perspective that bleeds from the very core of the Gospel: “So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal” (2 Corinthians 2:16-18)."

The Lord is good. He is faithful.
If you too are waiting on the Lord, be of good faith.

May the Lord bless you today.

Infertility

I always seem to find myself in this place. 

It's been so long since I've even written a blog post that I hardly know where to begin. 

I've put off writing for so long because my heart has been so full, and I wasn't ready to wrestle through my thoughts, sharing them openly here and making myself vulnerable to the judgement of others.

2013 was a beautiful year.  I think I cried more in the last twelve months than in all the rest of my life combined; but the Lord blesses us even in the midst of tears. 

He is the one who makes beautiful things out of ashes. 

My life has been so richly blessed, and I am filled with joy.

On our wedding day over a year ago, my head was filled with visions of myself waddling around, pregnant and glowing; knitting baby booties and sweaters, and indulging in crazy cravings. 

I never doubted that within a year we would be overjoyed to be the proud parents of our first child.  

We wanted to start trying for a baby right from day one. 

Happily, our honeymoon was in perfect sync with my cycle, 

and I fully expected to be announcing my pregnancy soon.

As the first few months of our marriage flew by, I was disappointing that I wasn't pregnant but confident that I would be in the next cycle.  Soon three months had passed, then four, six, eight, a whole year. 

 Sometimes I felt consumed by grief.  How unfair and cruel it seemed to me that I was caught up in this vicious rhythm of dashed hopes and crushing disappointment. 

Each month I would hope again, and the higher my hopes rose, the farther I fell. 

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick." Proverbs 13:12

Time and time again I obsessed over symptoms. 

One month I couldn't stand to eat spinach because it tasted fermented and moldy to me, my husband laughed, "You must be pregnant!" 

Other times I could have sworn I was overly tired and a little queasy.

Sometimes my period would come three, even four or five days late. I would take test after test, telling myself that my HCG levels just weren't high enough to detect yet.

Then reality would hit with searing pain (Literally!) and I would be devastated. 

Several months ago I carefully studied nine women called "barren" in the bible.

Sarah (Genesis 16) 

Rebekah (Genesis 25:21)

Leah and Rachel (Genesis 30)

Monah's Wife (Judges 13)

Hannah (1 Samuel 1)

Michal (2 Samuel 6)

The Shunammite Woman (2 Kings 4)

 Elisabeth (Luke 1)

Only Michal, the wife of David, never became pregnant. 

2 Samuel says that she "despised him in her heart" and "had no children to the day of her death."

Every other woman listed here eventually had children.  

Some waited longer than others, but the Lord was faithful to each of them.

One thing that stood out to me as I studied these women: their prayers were vastly different than mine.  

As I read the words these women spoke to the Lord, my heart resonated with their pain. 

Some phrases were repeated by several different women, such as "When will You remember me?" or "When will You remove this reproach?" 

1 Samuel 1:10 says: "And she was in bitterness of soul, and prayed to the Lord and wept in anguish."

Hannah's silent prayer was so passionate that Eli rebuked her for being intoxicated.

In verse 15 Hannah replies

"No, my lord, I am a woman of sorrowful spirit. 

I have drunk neither wine nor intoxicating drink, 

but have poured out my soul before the Lord.

 Do not consider your maidservant a wicked woman,

 for out of the abundance of my complaint and grief I have spoken until now."

 (My emphasis)

This woman POURED OUT her heart before the Lord. There are no flowery phrases and eloquent words here, only raw honest pain and grief, even anger.

This idea was revolutionary to my prayer life.  

God knows my heart. He already sees the anger and bitterness there, He knows of my longings.

The book I am currently reading, 

When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden by Sandra Glahn and William Cutrer, MD, 

has an  EXCELLENT chapter on anger. (Actually, the whole book is just wonderful!)

This chapter lists scripture after scripture written in anger.

 The authors point out that while we are prone to believe that God only accepts pretty polite prayers, prophets and psalmists often prayed in indignation, accusing God of deception, forgetfulness and negligence. They railed against Him for being silent in response to their pleadings. 

They expressed frustration and rage.  Yet there were no lightning bolts, no thunders of displeasure; instead, the Lord gently reassured and comforted them. 

This has often been the case for me. 

When there is a storm raging inside my soul and I pour out my anger and sorrow to the Lord, 

sometimes with clenched fists and chest heaving with sobs, 

 I always experience the sweet calm peace of being close to my heavenly Father.

After all my tears are spent and I'm finished with my ranting, it is then that I can be joyful, even thankful.

If you are in the midst of this journey too, I encourage you to plead honestly with the Lord. 

You are His child, and His heart breaks for you. 

Tell Him of your pain and frustration, and then allow Him to comfort you.

I know that the Lord has a plan for me, 

I know that He is for me, not against me, 

and I know that He loves me. 

 I don't know if or when He will open this womb of mine. 

But I trust Him.

I know that He is refining me in the fire.

I would love to hear your thoughts and comments. Please be kind! Some remarks made with good intentions can inflict great pain. 

There is so much more in my heart on this subject, 

so if you are interested, keep an eye out for future posts along the same lines. :)

May the Lord encourage and comfort you.

May your day be blessed.

And for all you TTCers out there, may the lines be ever in your favor!

When your Husband is Deployed {Finding Joy when it's Hard}

{Somehow I forgot to post this last month, but here it is at last.}

How do you find joy when your heart throbs pain?
When you're alone at night and panic and fear settle in to stay?
When the enemy whispers "alone, alone, alone" to your weary soul?
How do you carry on when strength fails?

I stand at the kitchen sink, fingers shriveling up like prunes as I wash silverware.
We've reached the halfway mark now.
Only halfway?
My heart sinks at the thought.

I am ready to wave the white flag now.
That is quite enough, thank you.
I assure you Lord, I have been sanctified plenty for the time being. :)

I scrub a coffee mug hard and I know there isn't a flag I can wave to make this end now.
The tears come fast then.
Despair sinks into the pit of my stomach.
I'm not strong enough to do this.
I can pretend to be strong, when I meet with friends I can smile and laugh, wear my brave face.
That's easy. Maybe too easy.
But when I'm alone in the darkness of the night,
like now scrubbing dishes, that's when my knees buckle and my heart is afraid.
These are the times when I grope for some handhold.
Something to hold fast to, to rest in, to draw strength from.

The answer is always the same.
I have a Father who loves me, shields me, protects me, fills every morning with new mercies.
There is One whose strength never fails.
How is it that I slip again and again into this hopelessness?
Why do I act as an orphan, scraping my way through life hurting and bitter?
And how do I fall back into this mindset so quickly?


Because I lose sight of joy.
Because I forget to be thankful.
Because I forget to open my eyes to beauty,
 forget to listen to the rain, forget to celebrate gifts from my Father.
And when I do, it's like the world is new.
The journal comes out, and I am counting.

112: Sunset glory. Blue, orange, pink, purple, red, and yellow.

118: Skype 
(How would I exist!?)

119: Goodnight screen-kisses from foreign airbases. 

124: Roses blooming in the driveway.

My heart is made over. New.
When I turn my eyes to Christ instead of to my own wounds,
that's when I find beauty and joy.
How sweet it is to draw near to the Lord when you feel undone,
when your heart is aching raw, and your strength is gone.

Samuel Rutherford said:

"There is no sweeter fellowship with Christ than to bring our wounds and our sores to him."

If this is the attitude of my heart, each trial becomes a blessing in disguise.
I find that I can carry on.
My heart rests secure in Christ, for He will supply me with the strength that I lack.
How good and wise is our heavenly Father.
And how beautiful is His love.

Love and blessings,

Sisters Of Senators

My parents have taught me that as Christians, it is their responsibility to be training up the next generation of leaders in our country. 

Something my Mama encouraged me to be thinking about today is this question: 

"How does the way that I treat my brothers affect their future?" 

 I have five brothers, so it was not difficult for me to come up with some thoughts on this subject.

My Daddy and Mama are raising my brothers to be ready to be godly leaders. 

One or more of my brothers may one day hold influential positions in our society, he may become a senator, a renowned lawyer, he could become just about anything. 

How am I shaping them? 

As sisters we have a vital role in the lives of our brothers. Your words and actions can bring life or deliver death. Guess what? Brothers and sisters are like boot camp for marriage. Your brother needs your help in shaping his character, values, and masculinity.

Proverbs 18:21 

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat of it's fruit."

Your tongue has the power to promote life, to build up, to encourage. 

And it has the power to descend with death.

Do you ever cruelly tease your brother? Do you ever put him down? Do you make snide remarks?

Do you point out his failings? Do you often correct him harshly? 

Do you treat him like a little boy, or like a man? Are you indifferent?

And on the other hand, do you ever praise him? 

And if you do, do you ever do it publicly? Do you compliment him? Do you look for ways to be an encouragement to him? Do you show affection towards him?

No matter what it is that you are doing, it is having an impact on him. 

Take a moment to think about that.

Now consider this. Are you enemies, or comrades?

Proverbs 17:17

"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity."

Let me explain to you what this verse is talking about. "A brother is born for adversity" doesn't mean that God gave you a brother to fight and argue with, or to strive against. 

Rather it means that you are to be fighting on the same side of the war, not against one another.

 What we can do:

Do your utmost to become his friend rather than his enemy.

Look for character traits to encourage.

Hug him.

Praise him for something done right.

Build him up, don't tear him down.

Pray for him.

Encourage him in his masculinity.

Compliment him on his good looks and huge muscles. :)

Never ever put him down, make fun of him, or point out his wrongs.

Pray for guidance in loving him.

These are all things that will build up your relationship with your brother.

And let me also add that most of these things can be applied to all of your brothers in Christ.

I would encourage you to inspect your own heart and ask 

if this is the attitude you have towards your siblings.

May God richly bless you today!!!

With all my love and prayers, Anna.