When your Husband is Deployed {Finding Joy when it's Hard}

{Somehow I forgot to post this last month, but here it is at last.}

How do you find joy when your heart throbs pain?
When you're alone at night and panic and fear settle in to stay?
When the enemy whispers "alone, alone, alone" to your weary soul?
How do you carry on when strength fails?

I stand at the kitchen sink, fingers shriveling up like prunes as I wash silverware.
We've reached the halfway mark now.
Only halfway?
My heart sinks at the thought.

I am ready to wave the white flag now.
That is quite enough, thank you.
I assure you Lord, I have been sanctified plenty for the time being. :)

I scrub a coffee mug hard and I know there isn't a flag I can wave to make this end now.
The tears come fast then.
Despair sinks into the pit of my stomach.
I'm not strong enough to do this.
I can pretend to be strong, when I meet with friends I can smile and laugh, wear my brave face.
That's easy. Maybe too easy.
But when I'm alone in the darkness of the night,
like now scrubbing dishes, that's when my knees buckle and my heart is afraid.
These are the times when I grope for some handhold.
Something to hold fast to, to rest in, to draw strength from.

The answer is always the same.
I have a Father who loves me, shields me, protects me, fills every morning with new mercies.
There is One whose strength never fails.
How is it that I slip again and again into this hopelessness?
Why do I act as an orphan, scraping my way through life hurting and bitter?
And how do I fall back into this mindset so quickly?


Because I lose sight of joy.
Because I forget to be thankful.
Because I forget to open my eyes to beauty,
 forget to listen to the rain, forget to celebrate gifts from my Father.
And when I do, it's like the world is new.
The journal comes out, and I am counting.

112: Sunset glory. Blue, orange, pink, purple, red, and yellow.

118: Skype 
(How would I exist!?)

119: Goodnight screen-kisses from foreign airbases. 

124: Roses blooming in the driveway.

My heart is made over. New.
When I turn my eyes to Christ instead of to my own wounds,
that's when I find beauty and joy.
How sweet it is to draw near to the Lord when you feel undone,
when your heart is aching raw, and your strength is gone.

Samuel Rutherford said:

"There is no sweeter fellowship with Christ than to bring our wounds and our sores to him."

If this is the attitude of my heart, each trial becomes a blessing in disguise.
I find that I can carry on.
My heart rests secure in Christ, for He will supply me with the strength that I lack.
How good and wise is our heavenly Father.
And how beautiful is His love.

Love and blessings,